TIME NEVER GOES BACK

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

@1:14 PM

Guess where I am now again? Back in Ain's office after lunching with Azrifah and herself. Spending the last few days out meeting up with friends before I'm back on the NIE roller coaster ride again. And next sememster, I'll be having my practicum so another ordeal to face. InsyaAllah everything will go just fine.

Went for yet another camp over the X'mas weekend (24th Dec - 26th Dec). It was supposedly a "Youth Camp" organised by Majlis Habeebiyatul Kaleemiyah (my parents' group of kawan2 belajar ugama). But not quite a Youth camp though...
1) Not when you have a 23 year old as one of the participants, which is me.
2) When half of the congregation is made up of parents.
Basically the age range of the whole rombongan was really wide, the youngest being 2 and the eldest like perhaps 70? Despite being coaxed into going for this camp by my parents, I ended up enjoying myself tremendously. Mainly because of the great company. Had my cousins, Halim and A'thiyah, in tow and I had the chance to catch up with my childhood friend, Syahidah. Went up in 2 buses and stayed at Kota Tinggi Waterfall Resort for 2 nights; great food was served and just soaking myself by the waterfall was shiok!
Overall that was a great getaway. Away from the bustling city. Perhaps the only complain would be the occasional power supply cut which leaves us having our subuh prayers and kuliah in darkness.

Also managed to meet up with Huda and Melati yesterday in town. Had dinner at Pizza Hut, Centrepoint. It 's really been so long since we last lepak together and catch up with one another's lives and yesterday made up for the lost years. Found out that Melati is in the same boat as me and i could really relate to her situation. InsyaAllah we'll both snap out of it and hopefully real soon. As for me I'm feeling much better now. I'm adapting well and I know I can be resilient too.

So today met up with Ain and Azrifah for lunch after me and Ain signed up for membership at California fitness. Wah Ain make sure we make our investment worthwhile man!!
So resolution for 2006 (in relation to health and fitness)
1) to shed off that extra kgs
2) to climb up Mount Kinabalu and
3) Aisha I'm taking up your challenge to run the Standard Chartered Marathon at the end of next year!! Ala like real je Azah ni.. but insyaAllah. I'm already full of adrenalin for the first two goals!!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

@7:30 AM

It's definitely easier to forgive than to forget... and because of that I'm still in this turmoil of emotions. I think I'm getting my mum worried.

Who says letting go is easy?
When you love someone more than you need him.....

Mak,
It may take me some time to patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I run away and hide
And I may find in time that you are always right
You're always right

Thank you mak for your care and concern.

So now a question to myself,
What is it that I want?
Could it be that I'm just haunted?

Berhenti Berharap (sheila on 7)
Aku tak percaya lagi
Dengan apa yang kau beri
Aku terdampar di sini
Tersudut menunggu mati

Aku tak percaya lagi
Akan guna matahari
Dengan mampu menerangi
Sudut gelap hati ini

Aku berhenti berharap
Dan menunggu datang gelap
Sampai nanti suatu saat
Tak ada cinta ku dapat

Kenapa ada derita
Bila bahagia tercipta
Kenapa ada sang hitam
Bila putih menyenangkan

Aku pulang
tanpa dendam
Ku terima.. kekalahanku

Aku pulang
Tanpa dendam
Ku salutkan.. kemenanganmu

Kau ajarkan aku bahagia
Kau ajarkan aku derita
Aku tunjukkan aku bahagia
Kau tunjukkan aku derita
Kau berikan aku bahagia
Kau berikan aku derita

I know I've stopped hoping.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

@3:50 PM

Yeah today went down to Munira's house to help her bungkus her berkat for her wedding on this coming new year. Managed to packed near 600 berkats and my fingers a lil numb now.

It's the peak period for weddings. No longer Azah tagging her mum. She has her own wedding invitations to attend! And many invitations per week for the record.
Am I that old to be having my own wedding invitations? Are that many of my friends already married or getting married? No pressure at all... Just like how I am happy upon hearing my female friends getting pregnant, I'm also happy hearing that my friends are settling down with the love of their life.

Yes maybe I've reached that passing age. But am I prepared for marriage? Maybe yes but most probably no. It definitely takes more than just age to be in a marriage. Age's at the back of marriAGE anyway.
How about maturity? Maturity to know one's responsibilities; not just knowing but to be able to carry out them out.
How about finance? True that one doesn't have to be rich to lead a happy life. But I do believe that one needs to be financially stable to lead a comfortable life. Yes I do wish to have a comfortable life. Shan't elaborate on my definition of comfortable life here. Enough to know that I don't need to marry a millionaire.
How about qualifications? Nah
How about physical appeal? Presentable will do. I don't need a hunk. Not that I'm a babe myself nor can I promise that I can remain the way I am physically now.
How about love? Yes of course! Can I have someone who loves me more than himself?! :) And I'll love him just as much.
And the criteria goes on..........

Aahh why am I suddenly babbling about marriage?! Must be the conversation I had with Munira just now.
I came up with this idea, how about inviting close relatives for the nikah at a mosque. Give them a packet of nasi minyak each and all of us can then go home and rest! Ahah! NO hassle, no mess, not much money!! Then just put an ad in the papers to inform the whole Singapore of my marriage. Simple enough? So long as the compulsory (which is pretty much just the nikah) is done prim and proper ok ape!

Ya Azah you wish.....
Just to have a void deck wedding will cost thousands of dollars. That's many years of saving gone for a 2-days event. And I still have to ensure substantial amount in my account left for future use. Wah.. thinking about all this, let's put marriage on hold first. Anyway what's the hurry right? I'll maintain my nonchalant response to the seemingly neverending enquiry of when my turn will be. "INSYAALLAH"

Marriage has not been a top priority and now it's been pushed even further to the back.
To those of my friends who are already married, I'll always pray for your happiness and stay strong always.

Que Sera Sera.. whatever will be, will be.. the future's not ours to see.. Que Sera Sera.. What will be, will be.

By the way, my results were out today. Alhamdulillah I cleared all my modules. No Cs and I'm most happy with my Maths SK papers! Yippee! I must thank my motivators, I don't think they know who they are :)

@2:30 AM

It's the third night last night.....................

Monday, December 19, 2005

@5:10 PM

Rushed home to catch Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. I'm still in love with that show. Very much my favourite still.
Yes I cried again.... I'm one weird girl who loves to watch sappy shows. Those kind that can make me cry. Those whereby I can feel every emotion the characters are going through, her heartbreaks, their tears, his sorrows and of course everyone's happy ending too. Oh Azah's weird but let her be. That will take a good storyline and credible actors and actresses.... Shah Rukh Khan simply melts my heart Aawwwwww.

If only all love stories will have such happy endings.

@8:30 AM

I've been dreaming..... two nights in a row of that same someone. Why? Am I still thinking too much? Perhaps...
Perhaps? Azah just admit it, you have been.

I realise how words can haunt the mind. Memories keep replaying when I go to places and do certain things. When I bump into certain people, I connect them to my past. When I have no answers to the questions people ask, or I can't give them the answer that they wish to hear.

If only I can block that dark portion of my memory. If only.....
But I know I can't. So what now?

I am hearing this in my head
Smile when you think of the happy moments.
Let those bad times make you wiser.
Let the past be a learning experience so that you can be better in the future.
But am I listening?

Why did you build me up
Buttercup baby just to let me down
And mess me around............

But don't worry.. I'm still living, living sanely.

Friday, December 02, 2005

@4:27 PM

Hey people! I've promise you an update on my first wakeboarding experience right?

IT WAS SUPER SUPER FUN!!!

Not boasting here but I never ever thought I had the natural talent to wakeboard! haha Wah serious man today's session was a morale booster. At first was quite conscious, since Huda (a JC friend of mine) and I were the only ones who were all covered up. Yeah not the typical babe and hunks with bikini's and boardshorts but hey! Neva judge us by our looks seh! Kita minah ferring semangat kental punye!
In my boat were Huda, Adeline, Proscillia, Clara, myself and our instructor, Azli. Azli was very patient and encouraging and that really helped us who are all first timers (except for Clara who's in wakeboarding in NIE).
However our bot encoutered a little misadventure when a huge canvas got stuck in the propeller. So poor Azli got to make many long dives in his brave attempt to cut away the piece. He ended having bloodshot eyes (having to see in salt water) and a big deep deep gash on his hand.... and of course he was our hero for the day! Once we got back into motion, my anxiety returned caused till then I still haven't had my turn. I was the last one to go and seeing the others surely made me more nervous.
But Alhamdulillah I managed to make my debut stand on the first try and with that I gained confidence and skill to sustain longer on the board subsequently. I definitely happy! I can wakeboard. On my second set, I managed to stand for 2min 4o secs!!! Wow can I say I'm impressed with myself?! Got encouragements to join the wakeboarding team but hhmmm think I'll just go for leisure instead.

Well Azah's happy and now her butt is hurting. Must be from that squatting position.
Wish I could tell that someone about my adventure........ but nevermind.

Go check out my fotopage ok! http://nurlion.fotopages.com

Anyway the next few days will be action packed.
Kak Nini's getting married. That's another cousin off the solo list. Feeling kinda sad but hey congrats Kak Nini! Rewang the whole weekend. And next week I'll be off to Ubin for OBS. I'm having mixed feelings about going for OBS. Definitely excited to test my limits but there are other reasons for me to be feeling otherwise. And I'm afraid I'll be tired by Sunday. Not even packed and the weather doesn't seem to promise much.

Well think I better go and pack now.

Azah's butt is hurting.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

@10:48 PM

(My last raya outing for the year.. to Kak Mus' house)

Today did nothing much.. just lepak at home and watched the vcd 'UNGU VIOLET' which I borrowed from Kak Mus yesterday. It wasn't a tear-jearker at all, not even a drop; which made it all disappointing cause I was in for a good cry (eerr I like those sappy movies la).

Hey you pros out there, I realised the timing and date is not accurate. I was blogging around 4 am in the morning for my last 2 entries but how come the timing runs? I'm still a novice, pardon me.

Came back from my near-daily round of the neighbourhood. Hit quite a distance but the stitch deterred me from going much further.
Any tips on how to prevent or overcome stitch?
Overall it was another good session. Am pretty excited about tomorrow's wakeboarding session. It's at punggol marina country club. No idea where that is but I'm praying hard that Abah will send me there early tomorrow morning. Hhmm thinking back this holiday, has allowed me try out many new things or things which I havent done for a long long time- rock climbing, cycling, wakeboarding etc. And I've promised myself that no matter what happens I'll keep my jogging regime insyaAllah.

So check out my updates on the wakeboarding session! Anyway my blog may go on hiatus for a while cos the next few days will be busy for me. Dearest cousin getting married this weekend and then I'll be heading for OBS next week!

Eh Ain, I was updating my fotopages. Just realised you're in so many of the entries :).
Don't worry I'm not complaining.

WWEEEE I'm excited!

@3:20 AM

I will be strong enough to stand
When the game plan goes in another direction
I will be strong enough to look
At my reflection as my guide and protection
I will be strong enough to walk away
And not let what people say cause me to forget who I am
I will be strong enough to learn, listen and teach
So that I can reach anyone who has a hand out
I will be strong enough to shout
That life is not easy or fair

But if you stare the devil in the eyes
Sometimes she hides
Just because my smile is there
Does not mean I am not in despair
The flowing emotions are caught
In an act which tears just won't sought
You may see me laughing but I am crying deep inside
And if I said I was happy.......
I know I lied

Am I really strong or is it all a masquerade?

@1:38 AM

Ooh my first entry coming!! Make way people!!!!
Frankly speaking (typing), I'm not sure how long I can sustain this blog but we shall all see.

So why does Azah suddenly decides to join the blogger.com?
PEER PRESSURE.... Nah not exactly. Well I know blogging's the IN thing now but I can't promise commitment to this thus the contemplation. Actually I've been reading my friends' blogs (maybe they'll never guess that cos I won't even bother to leave my comments hehe). It's a nice feeling to be updated (albeit informally) about how the others (especially the people I care about) are doing. I totally understand how a simple call can be such a chore with such busy schedules to juggle, what more taking time off for a meet up over coffee. Oh how technology is allowing us to compromise on such efforts but well since it's here, I shall start making use of it.
I've always had the problem of expressing myself and hopefully this can be a good practice :). This blog will definitely not contain everything that's trapped in my mind but you should be able to get the gist of what's happening in my life.

Indeed life hasn't been pleasant lately. Unusual waves of thoughts... unpleasant thoughts. I'm at the trough of the wave. Having holidays is definitely not helping but I'm trying to keep myself busy. But at times I can't help but think and emotions will soon set in. Give me time, I'm not sure how long it will take but I'll definitely need the time.

Anyway I got this from someone's blog and I wish to share it.

Once upon a time, there was a mother and her daughter sitting under a big tree near a meadow.
Then suddenly the girl asked her mother.

Daughter: Mum, how do we know we have found our perfect soulmate? Can you please tell me?
Mother: ( Keeps silent for a while before she answers) Look that way. There are a lot of flowers there. Why don't you walk straight ahead and you are not suppose to walk backwards. On your way, try to pick the most beautiful flower and give it to me. Pick just one and remember, you cannot walk backwards.

And so the girl walk straight ahead to the meadow.

After a few minutes,

Daughter: I am back.
Mother: Well I don't see any flower in your hand. Is there no beautiful ones?
Daughter: Along the way, I did find a few but each time I saw one, I though I'll find more beautiful ones ahead and so I did not pick it up. And soon I realised I have already reached the end of the meadow and I haven't picked any. Since you told me that I couldn't walk back, I ended up with none.
Mother: That's what happens in real life. When you think you've seen a beautiful flower, pick it up and make it your most beautiful flower.

What is the message of this story?
Flowers: the people around you
Beautiful flowers: the people that attracts you
Meadow: time

In looking for your soulmate, please don't always compare and hope that you'll find a better one. By doing that. you will be wasting your lifetime cause TIME NEVER GOES BACK.

And now my question... If your most beautiful flower starts wilting on you, should you just put it aside? Or should you continue giving it your tender loving care and hope that one day it revives itself, knowing that the wilting flower still remains to be that most beautiful flower in your heart.

Azah's most beautiful flower has wilted in her very own hands...............................

And to all those who have remained by her side, Azah thanked you from the bottom of her broken heart. You know who you are.